The Future of Love

March 19, 2013

The future of love

I have been a participant in the Evolutionary Collective for the past year. It’s an experimental gathering of people committed to bringing about A New Paradigm for a Higher Order of Human Relatedness. It is lead by Jeff Carreira and Patricia Albere, and since this blog is about love, I had to write about it here. The Evolutionary Collective is all about Love, with a capital L.

A paradigm is the proverbial box, we usually cannot think outside of, a set of glasses through which we look at absolutely everything. An example of a paradigm shift is Albert Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, a break with all common thought that busted the foundations of physics…

Yesterday I came back from our fourth weekend meeting and only when I woke up this morning and felt everyone still inside of me did I realize, how far out of the normal paradigm we had travelled together.

One of our practices was a tri-logue in which we closed our eyes and allowed ourselves to lean deeply into our own emerging vision of what a new paradigm for relationship would be. Together we described what we found there:

We immediately saw a world in which the fixed contours of our selves had dissolved and instead of thinking of ourselves as bodies, personalities or roles we experienced ourselves as fields of energy, more like mists or clouds of pixels that moved with and through each other in a ceaseless dance. Nothing is fixed in them or all too differentiated, though distinctions are crystal clear. In an unbroken creativity, new possibilities are born moment after moment. Together we saw and described how these fields can envelop and absorb any problem, resistance or doubt and integrate them into their energetic structure (“love them to death,” one of us said).  The kind of technologies this world will be using are very quiet, not distracting from the focus and the pleasure of total connectivity and the resulting fearless and boundless energy and creativity. Instead of viewing our relationships and other people as objects, we live as them, live in the recognition that they are who we are and that without them, we would not exist. We are utterly conscious of the power each of our decision has to influence the dance of the fields and the free flow of energy.

These dancing mists are still alive in me today and are suppressing the habit of re-habituating the usual consciousness of separation and limitation. Even if it sounds crazy, I have no doubt about our vision.

What do you think is the future of love?

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A couple of weeks ago I attended a retreat on Evolutionary Enlightenment with Andrew Cohen. A woman raised the topic of women’s liberation. She described, how many of us women are still concerned, first and foremost, with finding a – or the right kind of – man.

Andrew was impressed with her honesty and asked her, why that would be the case. “Do men make you that happy?” he asked. Every woman in the room burst into laughter, proof for how deeply we know that this is not the case.

Why do we live in such a contradiction?

The longing for and the desire for a man emerges from parts of ourselves buried deep within our biology and the history of our gender.

For one, and this is nothing new, the survival of our species depended on us being drawn to men, and them to us. In fact, this is, dare I say it, the prime reason we are drawn to each other, whether we intend to produce babies or not.

And related to that is the fact that for thousands of years, men acted as guarantors for the physical survival and security for women –even if they enslaved, abused or traded them, their power meant they were the source of any protection and safety.

It is sobering –to put it mildly – but also clarifying to look at these roots of our longing and ask the question anew: why are we still spending so much time and energy attracting Mr. Right, while knowing perfectly well, that our needs have changed and that we will not find lasting, profound happiness in any sexual relationship or romance?  (That does not mean that they cannot be beautiful or significant, but the fundamental approach to them would be different.) The current conclusion is that men should adapt to our changing needs – but does that make sense? Is that fair? And even possible?

I think it is a lot more exciting to look at exactly what it is at this point in our history and development that truly gives us fulfillment. In my experience this has to do with a higher creativity, self-realization in the biggest sense and deeper spiritual development – none of which men have the power to bestow upon us in the context of a sexual relationship. What is possible though is that our independence in these matters enables us to meet and come together in new, more satisfying and deeper ways.

Then our lives do no longer run contrary to our intelligence.

Last week, a client told me, that she had mentioned to her husband how much the endless winter up here in Massachusetts was getting to her and how wonderful it would be to spend a few days in the sun somewhere. He did not immediately respond and as a result, she said laughingly, she did not talk to him for a couple of days. Then he finally got it, she reported, got on the phone and organized some tickets to Florida. They ended up having a fantastic four days in the sun together. “He always gets it eventually,” she laughed and I happen to know that the two, being close to 70 years old and having raised 4 kids together, really appreciate being together.

Then she told me another story – she invited all their kids from around the country to surprise him for his birthday. She was wondering how on earth she’d be able to secretly do all the necessary cooking and cleaning in preparation, but realized there was no need to worry. She could have six pots on the stove, and he would walk through the kitchen and not even notice, utterly on his own planet.

Now, such a situation used to go against every idea I had about what a healthy relationship should be. From my postmodern, psychological view point, people should agree (close to) all the time, should always be perfectly straight with each other, everything should be on the table at all times, always voiced, etc etc. Full transparency.

These days, I think differently – recognizing that the other is indeed the other and that that will never change is actually liberating. It eliminates much of the interpersonal glue and neediness that comes with trying to create absolute unity where it does not need to be – in a relative sense.

I don’t think my client has thought through her attitudes – for her and her generation, this kind of acceptance of the guy being the guy and the woman being a woman comes unquestioned and naturally. It does seem though that for those fifty and younger, a whole list of requirements started to accumulate about what our partners should be able to provide – in many ways, these can be summed up to mean: be more like me! I won’t go into the details of the implications of this, but just want to say here that having gone through the futile effort of being equals in the wrong ways, I am much more excited now by what opens up if I do not primarily focus on difference or specialness of being a woman (or him a man) and secondly not expect him to be a woman, my mirror image, in a male body. Learning to trust and focus on the deeper, fundamental non-difference, in an absolute way – makes room for those differences to remain unproblematic.