Sex and Letting Go

March 17, 2010

When I first started having sex again, after thirteen years of both formal and informal celibacy, I was very struck by how challenging it is to actually really be in the body. I noticed how I was constantly thinking, evaluating, worrying and controlling what was going on during sex, rather than feel. I thought a lot about it and had some very powerful conversations with girl-friends, who recognized the same thing. We felt it had to do with the layers of self-image and also violation and distrust that has formed in our psyches and seemingly even in our bodies around this subject. We tend to be self-protected to a degree and depth I have to say I was not aware of.

Maybe this is why letting go in sex, letting a man in and trusting him almost feels like a spiritual experience – the relief is so great to not have to hold on to self-protection. I don’t think it is truly spiritual – even though, as one friend said, there are different ways to define that word – but psychic or psychological in a way that seems to go beyond individual history. It seems to be embedded in the make-up of our gender, maybe even in our genes or hormones, to stay in control, always and forever.

Because I am with a man who has the same philosophical and spiritual leaning, and there is a deep trust in each others willingness to question ourselves and grow, I am given the opportunity to go beyond that and am constantly surprised and moved by how deeply connected and alive I can be – and not just with him – when I let go of controlling constantly. It’s a challenging practice, with a lot of subtlety, and one there is a lot further to go with – definitely not just in bed. I would never have done it, were it not for the larger context we share.

Maybe it is because sexuality is so much at the root of our relations and way of looking at the world, that it can be a window into the ways we work on many more levels.

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2 Responses to “Sex and Letting Go”


  1. I enjoyed reading this! Thanks for the write;)

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